It is, my friends, with heavy sighs
that we reflect on the demise
of one whose lovely form and face
so briefly would our vision grace
before the moment death would take her
in the James Bond film "Moonraker".
When Bond arrives at LAX
en route to meet with Hugo Drex,
(Sorry, "Drax" that should have said,
that rhyme looked better than it read.)
to a helipad nearby
he's taken by a limousine
where he's then collected by
a chopper pilot named Corinne.
She utilizes her position
to provide some exposition
with respect to her employer
who, it seems, gets what he wants,
like the grand chateau he haunts,
transported hither stone by stone -
a large, familiar-looking manse
(last time I checked, it's still in France).
After landing, Corinne guides
our hero through where Drax resides
up to the door of a salon
where she then takes her leave of Bond.
Inside the ornate room, James sees,
Drax tickling the ivories,
delightful ditty, namely that
of Chopin's Prelude in D-Flat.
(Hang on, but is he really playing?
It's very hard to tell - just saying.)
Also present: Countess Thing
and Lady Bicky-Becky-Boo
and nearby, looking threatening,
lie two enormous canines who
look capable of anything.
Their training's thorough, one supposes:
juicy steak placed near their nose is
left untouched for several minutes
'til a snap from Hugo's digits.
Why this meeting, anyway?
A space shuttle has gone astray
en route from here to the UK.
(Several Bond films start this way -
such a favorite plot device,
director Gilbert used it thrice.)
Corinne and Bond resume their tour
along a glassine corridor
that bears a strong resemblance to
one in the Centre Pompidou.
(And at this time, can I just say
with all this Frenchness on display
it's easy to forget that they
are s'posed to be outside L.A.)
Our Miss DuFour then hands off James
unto a doctor whose last name's
quite arguably even more
risqué than that of Miss Galore.
Bits of business then ensue:
of a shuttle there's a view,
and a training centrifuge
in which the agent takes a spin
which very nearly does him in,
but for a gadget loaned from Q.
Chez Drax once more, pendant le soir,
Bond tiptoes to Corinne's boudoir.
He says it's just for information
but, hey presto, fornication!
Creeping out once she's asleep
Bond steals away to have a peep
at Drax's study but is found
by Miss Dufour, roused by the sound
of Jameses' rummaging around.
Bond requests that she confide
where Drax's safe might be concealed
her glance betrays that it's inside
an ornate clock, and is revealed
when its glass door is opened wide.
The safe is opened in a trice
thanks to Q's x-ray device
the contents photographed ensuite
by Bond's Q camera, tres petite.
Miss Dufour by Bond is told
"you see, you have a heart of gold"
as he performs a quick x-ray
just south of her decolleté.
The sleuthing episode now done,
they leave the study, one-by-one.
But, as required by Murphy's Law,
they're seen by Drax's henchman Chang.
(yes, it IS pronounced that way -
in THIS movie, anyway.)
Next morning, there's a shooting party:
Bond and Drax and, looking haughty,
yet more posh aristo-totty.
Sir Hugo bags a brace of pheasants
Bond lives up to his three bezants,
shooting not at passing game
but at a sniper taking aim,
from within a nearby tree -
"Such good sport" to Drax says he.
The minute Bond has left the scene
in Drax's massive antique car,
a golf cart bearing Our Corinne
now trundles to a stop not far
from where Drax and his henchman are.
"You called for me?" asks Miss Dufour,
as she approaches, warily.
Drax tells her he's aware that she
had told James Bond the night before
where he could find the safe, therefore
he's firing her, summarily.
As she sadly turns to go,
Sir Hugo's fingers snap once more.
and Chang approaches, dogs in tow,
which snarl and bark at Miss Dufour.
Getting back into the cart
would seem an option far more smart.
But she eschews the set of wheels
for her wobbly four-inch heels
and stumbles toward the woods pell-mell
as Chang lets loose the hounds of Hell.
(Now moving at a decent pace,
she's somehow managed to replace,
her teetery stiletto heels
with shoes more fitting for the chase.)
The camera documents her flight
among dramatic shafts of light.
Very desperate seems her plight.
The dogs pursue by leaps and bounds.
Can Miss Dufour outstrip the hounds?
Surely Bond has doubled back,
to save her from the dogs' attack.
Everything will turn out fine.
Perhaps he'll swing in on a vine,
(no, that would be asinine).
He'll spare her from a dreadful fate -
any second - just you wait.*
Any second now.
Aaaannnny second.
Oh, dear God.
We hear Venetian church bells toll
as though in mourning for Corinne,
an innocent and lovely soul
too soon departed from the scene.
It's tempting after witnessing
that horrifying dog attack
to contemplate a certain thing
that this Bond movie seems to lack:
consistency of tone, we sigh,
is certainly in short supply.
To wit, in this same film one sees
innumerable absurdities:
exploding argentinian bolas,
and, in Venice, a gondola's
turned into a hovercraft
and to make THAT scene more daft,
a noble-looking dog's on hand,
likewise, recurring drunkard, and
to add the icing on the cake,
a pigeon does a double-take.*
But what instruction can we glean
from this, the tale of our Corinne?
For Double-0's, when duty calls,
it often involves booty calls.
Yes, the mission must come first,
but need things turn out for the worst
for women who assist our spy?
So many ghastly ways to die:
Painted gold from toe to head,
Poison dripping down a thread,
with a golden bullet downed,
defenestrated, later drowned,
enveloped in and choked by oil,
tortured on a hydrofoil,
torn apart by vicious hounds,
the ignominy knows no bounds.
The very worst fates seem reserved
for those with whom James Bond has trysted.
No matter that it's undeserved
their deaths occur in manners twisted.
Ladies then, should keep their distance,
rather than proffer assistance.
By all means resist his charm
unless you wish to come to harm.
Conversely, Bond might demonstrate
some self-control, ere it's too late
to keep the damsels from distress -
perhaps James Bond SHOULD roger less.
*The two starred verses were inspired by the inimitable Calvin Dyson's reflections on "Moonraker".